Mandatory Reading For Any Sports Parent

[CasaCoach]

Has this be posted in the youth forum? Great read. I'll be handing copies of this out this week.

[breakneck pace]

The real problem is that people are parents...

People are self-centered, obnoxious, self-righteous, and know-it-alls...

Everyone knows what is wrong with the country, their kid's school, their pastor, and their mother-in-law...but when they see someone complaining like they do, they will mock them for being a complainer...

Wrestling is worse than most sports because, as Adam stated earlier, our youth programs aren't "team" centered...we preach prosperity of the individual...but also because every dad and mom with $40 bucks can be a coach...

Try pulling that crap in little league or pee-wee football...

"I think we should run a new play/offense/defense/set/etc" -- You'd be asked to leave the field...but in wrestling, a dad, who doesn't even "teach" technique or set up practice can get in a corner, yell at his son, and make the car trip home miserable...there might not be a coach to go to, because daddy is a sports fundamentalist...

Luckily for me my dad hated wrestling...and my mom thought my farts smelt like roses...so no one ever said anything, and even though I sucked, I really liked wrestling...

But for those poor kids who have dad/coaches who can't figure out how to seperate the two jobs, lil Jimmy is gonna have a rough time growing up with sports...

[keck]

Here is something along the same lines that I found on a High School website a few years back and modified for our program. Unforunately I can't remember the school where this originated.

There is one thing we all have in common here: We all care very deeply about a student/athlete who is participating on a College Park Athletic Team. We know you want your child to have a positive athletic experience this year…and beyond. We know you want your child to be successful. We would like to help you make your child’s experience at College Park a good one and to help you and your child succeed.
Parents, never underestimate how important you are in the life of your child. Most of you have gone to great lengths in time, energy and money to help your child be successful in the classroom and on the athletic field. We know that without you and without your support, your child would not be the person they are today. As coaches, teachers, and fellow parents we appreciate you more than you know.
We hope to pass on information that will enrich your child’s experience and help avoid some of the problems which have occurred in the lives of many. We have seen good things…and some very bad things…that parents have done with their children. The interesting thing is that in almost every case, the parent has meant well. When it comes to helping our children succeed on the athletic field, meaning well does not always get the results that we are hoping for. In fact, the opposite frequently happens. We all want our children to succeed…and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. The problem lies in the way we often times go about trying to make this happen.
The most important thing to know is that every athlete needs to enjoy their sport. If they are not enjoying their experience, they will not improve as quickly, and may even quit. This can happen regardless of the child’s talent and success. We (both parents and coaches) must be careful not to be overly concerned with success in terms of wins and losses. If we are, the athlete’s enjoyment of the sport will drop significantly. This is especially true for the early period of their athletic development. Remember, the greater the enjoyment, the more improvement the child will experience. We should never be responsible for taking the fun out of sports for our children.
We need to understand that just because an athlete wins does not necessarily mean they are a good athlete. A good athlete is one who is in the process of mastering their sport…in all facets of the game. With this approach we should see consistent improvement. Your child’s training here at College Park is designed to help them master the art of their chosen sport-NOT just to win today. This is a process…and it takes time. If your child can simply keep getting better, winning will take care of itself.
The most important thing to understand as a parent of a student/athlete is what your role should be. You are your child’s support system. This means that your role (job) is to help your child make good choices and assist them in athletics, school and life. This role is critical and no one else can fill it other than you.
What you should never try to be, is your child’s coach! This is the biggest mistake that we as parents make, trying to coach our children, rather than simply supporting and encouraging them. Your support role is vital. Your child does not want to be…nor should they be…coached 24 hours a day. Practices and competitions are hard enough. When your child leaves the athletic field, they need to be energized and encouraged. They should never be criticized, coached, or given a “clinic” or “trained some more” because you think they should have done better or should be doing more. That is the role of the coach.
What can we as parents (now aka our child’s support system) do to help?
1.
Be positive. Encourage your child. Do not criticize their performance. Praise good efforts in victory and defeat. Enforce positive points in the game. Praise improvement. If you see something negative in their performance, keep it to yourself. Never yell at your child after a game or practice. This only hurts…especially later on as the negative effects are often delayed. You and your home are an oasis…a place for your child to go for refreshment. High school sports are tough enough. Your child needs someplace to go where everything is OK.
2.
Don’t force a conversation about sports unless your child initiates it…especially after a tough loss or poor performance. Don’t fret over their silence. Your child will most likely talk at some point, usually if you are consistently complimentary, encouraging and positive. If they do choose to talk, let your child do the majority of the talking. Show your child that you care and are listening.
3.
The exception to this rule may be in the area of poor sportsmanship or other inappropriate actions. This includes disrespectful actions or attitudes toward opponents, teammates, officials or coaches. In these cases remind your child firmly that this not acceptable and will not be tolerated in the future. One way to approach is to say: “I understand that you hate to lose. Hating to lose is a good quality, but showing with poor sportsmanship is a sign of weakness. No one should ever see this behavior again.”
4.
Be supportive of the coaching staff. Whether you agree with the coaches or not, you should never communicate to your child or others a difference of opinion. Do not make negative comments about the coaches personally or their ability to coach. It will accomplish nothing positive and will undoubtedly adversely affect your child’s attitude and effort in the future. If there is a disagreement or problem, discuss this with the coach/coaching staff privately. These things can get “contagious” among adults and often get blown out of proportion. Help the team by supporting their efforts…not tearing things down.
5.
Do not criticize or “talk down” other members of the team. Your child will learn sportsmanship and leadership (good or bad) from you. The best leaders consistently come from positive parents.
6.
“Honor the game” and avoid embarrassing your child. You can do this by being respectful toward officials and opposing coaches and players. Focus on cheering for our team…not against the other team.
7.
Make good nutrition a family thing, not just for the athlete. Provide a good environment for sleep. Get your child to bed for proper rest and recovery.
8.
Be sure to provide a good environment for academic work at home. DEMAND GOOD ACADEMICS.
9.
Don’t be a fan of other athletes or teams. Your child does not want to hear how good someone else is. Be a fan of your child and their team.
10.
Get involved with the College Park Boosters Club.
11.
Be sure your child has clean workout gear every day, and uses the shower ASAP after games and practices.
12.
Make sure your child gets to practices and games EARLY! Make sure that they take care of the details of their life that must be completed…ie homework, school, projects, chores, and family commitments.
13.
Remind yourself that this is your child’s High School experience…not yours. This is their thing.

College Park Athletics Parent Pledge
Please read, initial each item, sign and return to the coach or appropriate official.
1.
I pledge to get my child to practice and games on time. I understand that I may be putting my child at risk by not providing adequate time for warm up. I will be on time to pick my child up from all games and practices. This shows respect for the program, and tells my child that he or she is my top priority.______________
2.
I pledge to use positively encourage my child. I understand that fewer than 1% of High School athletes receive college scholarships and that the top three reasons kids play sports are to have fun, make new friends, and learn new skills. I understand that the sport is for the participants and I will keep things in proper perspective.____________
3.
I pledge to “honor the game”. I understand the importance of setting a good example for my child. I will show respect for all involved in the game including coaches, players, opponents, opposing fans, and officials. I understand that officials make mistakes. If the official makes a “bad call” I will honor the game and be silent!_____________
4.
I pledge to refrain from yelling instructions to my child. I understand that this is the coach’s job. I understand that games are chaotic times for children trying to deal with fast-paced action and respond to opponents, teammates and coaches. I will limit my game time comments to encouraging my child and other players.__________
5.
I pledge to refrain from making negative comments about my child’s coach or team in my child’s presence. I understand this plants a negative seed in my child’s head that can negatively influence my child’s motivation and overall experience.
6.
If I have a disagreement or problem with the program, I pledge discuss this with the coach/coaching staff privately first. Often these issues occur due to lack of communication.____________
I will honor this College Park Athletic Pledge in my words and actions.
_________________________________ ______________________________
Parent’s signature Print student/athletes name

[Aztec]

tirapell, thanks for posting this. It's a great reminder of how to go about things a better way. Dirk, I hear what you are saying. Kids are different, parents are different and going about things differently is not always a right or wrong thing. Sometimes different is just different. There's more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak. To me, the core message of the article is to communicate to your kids that you love watching them play. I think there are lots of ways to accomplish this and this article gives some good tips.

I think we've all seen parents who would be wise to heed the message of the article. The most talented wrestler on my high school team was continually criticized by his parents because he didn't wrestle like his older brother, who was a state champ a few years prior. It got so bad that halfway through his senior season he quit the team even though he was undefeated at the time. His parents didn't send the message that they loved watching him play. They message they sent was "UR DOING IT WRONG" and it wore him out. To this day it boggles my mind how his parents didn't appreciate him for the wrestler he was and were so negative towards him. It would be like if Mark Schultz' parents berated him over and over because he didn't wrestle the same as his older brother Dave.

[B MILLER]

A few weeks ago I read a great article/message about the joy of coaching your kid. I have been trying to find it for the last week and could not. It hit the forum roughly around the end of the high school season and centered around the journey of watching/coaching your kid and the trials of wrestling. Any help would be appreciated

[Coach Lawson]

He knew nothing about wrestling---ok, less than nothing!


Before every tournament from the time I was 5 years old til I quit wrestling he always shook my hand and said, "Son, win, lose or draw---just try your best" pretty wierd----he has said less about parenting and my life choices.



As for you Gabe, watching you drag little zander around all day--that brought back a lot of memories as I watched my 6'3" son wrestling and reffing on Saturday---enjoy those years because they go really fast!

later,
Lawson

[rrockwell]

I would be categorized as a nutcase dad, trying to keep his sanity while he coaches his sons.

I coached for 6 yrs before my oldest was able to be coached, so it wasn't like I was solely focused on my own son. I was hard on them as they first got started, but realized I needed to take a step back, so I limited how much wrestling we did. No more than 5 local youth tournaments and maybe freestyle state, if we could make the trip. Being a HS, jr high and our only youth coach, time was always an issue, but we made it work.

As my sons got older, I told them once they reached jr high, there would be a bigger push for mat time and success. The youth years were more about learning how to do things right, positioning, etc. After that the focus would still be those things, but success would be more emphasized.

I'm a screamer, but I coach all my kids that way. Always have. Hard habit to break. Maybe a heart attack will help with that, but until then, I probably won't change.

I am hard on my sons. Why? Because they are my kids. We want our kids to be successful because we expect more out of them. However, the difference is, I've explained this to them. I tell them why I'm hard and am always talking with them, after practice, even when I'm frustrated with a performance. I have no problem with them losing. Its when they lose to someone I know they can beat, that can be hard to understand or I know they aren't wrestling to their ability.

Also, keep in mind, while I am intense, I don't go overboard with all the other typical stuff. My kids didn't cut any weight when they were kids. When they hit jr high, they cut about 5lbs, as well as HS. Eating healthy and drinking lots of water and the weight cutting took care of itself. When cutting weight, our whole family changed our eating habits. When the match is over and if they have lost, there is no throwing a fit on their part. I always tell them there is no point, as the match is already over, no sense in crying over it. There is no arguing with the officials over calls and if they do, they are scolded for doing so. But again, this goes for every kid I coach, not just my own kids.

Another good and bad quality to have, is being too competitive. I'm extremely competitive at everything, not just wrestling but football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, chess, video games, life or coaching. Of course, this trait was passed on to my kids and can be hard to deal with, especially when you all hate to lose.

This is where a balance is needed. I can yell and scream, but my kids know when its all said and done, its to make them better. Sometimes, I think society has made it okay not to show emotion and kids start to look like robots. There are going to be times where emotion is needed to overcome a close match. Sometimes kids need to have someone in their corner seem intense so they know they should pick up the intensity. Some just show it more than others.

You also need to know when to walk away and let someone take over, so you can simply breathe. Like this weekend, in my sons first freestyle match, he wrestled a kid who simply refused to wrestle him. Everytime he moved forward to get ahold of him, the kid ran backwards, tied his hands up and just kept running in hopes of stealing a round, which he did. I kept yelling to attack but everytime he tried, the kid ran backwards. For me that is frustrating because basically its not wrestling, but its wrestling within the dumb rules of freestyle. I finally had to walk away and let someone else handle it because it was irritating.

Most psycho parents, simply don't know when to back away and that's where issues happen. They hit their kid, they berate them, force them to cut tons of weight, belittle them and then the kid finally just gives up.

I can tell you, its a tough balance for myself as a coach/father. The biggest thing to remember is, you're their father first, then coach.

[rrockwell]

Also, something I've noticed over the years and coaching various sports(soccer, football, wrestling, track and tennis), girls seem to wish coaches would be more intense. At least around here. I was helping coach a girls soccer game once and I tried not to say anything during the game and just analyze the game and how they played.

We got on the bus and the head coach said his thing, calm and collected. I asked if I could say a few things and said, it would be a little more harsh but they didn't mind. I told them they played like crap and they could do better. I told them things like their demeanor and bickering at each other, caused their loss, as well as lack of work ethic during practice and outside of practice. I said if they wanted to be winners, they needed to actually start doing the things necessary to become a winner and not just go through the motions. None said a word but the next day, there wasn't one girl who didn't insist I keep coaching because what I had said to them was refreshing to them and the kind of intensity they were looking for in a coach. Kind of threw me off.

[gutwrench93]

Yes Lawson it does go fast ,real fast seems like yesterday i was coaching my son in youth.One thing I always do with all the wrestlers I coach is make it memorable I always do or take the kids to do something fun and relaxing after a hard day of wrestling the kids always remember the times and tie it in their memories of wrestling.I have always done that with my son and he will always remember the tournaments and the fun we had.This made it easier for him to talk to me about his matches.
I have always been competitive and that shows in my son but I also had to learn to be fair to my son because I expected a lot from him,which is not fair to him. I had to learn to treat him the same as the other kids.It opened my eyes one day when a parent said he wished I yell as loud as I did with my sons matches in his son's matches.that was a while ago ,I learned a lot from that little comment.Even though I thought I was being equal with all the kids I wasn't,most of all my son.
Like Rockwell I turned over the coaching to others with my son when I got frustrated and too emotionally involved.This year proved it works I got frustated got hard on him and then stepped back let the other coaches step in and at the end of the day told my son I was still in his corner.At state I let another coach step in and it was worth it,my son knew I was there still supporting him and made the finals.
I have always told my kids I coached before they were born and will still be after they leave. I have no regrets about coaching my kid and would do it over again.I also coached my brother in a state placing years before,but one thing I ALWAYS TOLD THEM BOTH NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I WAS THERE FOR THEM AND I LOVE WATCHING THEM WRESTLE.

RAY LOBSINGER

[rrockwell]

That is definitely the hardest thing to adjust to, coaching your own kids in HS, as the HS coach. I try my best to let our head coach, handle the stressful stuff. Its difficult. My son was only a freshman this year. First tournament of the season, he tech falls a Fargo Champ in the 2nd round. I was left trying to figure out where this kid came from because I was shocked. I didn't expect him to have a chance at a title, but every week he just kept winning. Then a month goes on and he's still winning, then two months, then districts, then state. I could see the pressure starting to build so that made things more difficult. One time, he had an overtime match and I was stressing because it would likely be his first loss. He wrestled like crap all tournament long and was no different in the finals. He was losing by 4 and somehow just gutted it out and won in OT. He was pumped, I was too, but it was hard not to get out of my seat.

And yes, letting them know you are still in their corner, no matter what, is important. Biggest thing is just to communicate with them.